My New Year!

Ok, for those of you who already know me, you are probably aware that as I write this, on Oct. 3, 2012, that today is my real life birthday. No, I WON'T tell you how old I really am, but I will tell you that today is my new year's day....the beginning of a new phase of my life. I decided a couple of days ago that I was going to wake up a different person today. I have had some life changes I have wanted to make, and the last couple of years have not been easy for me. Today that all changes. Some of you who will read this will know this, but most of you won't. In January 2012, my mother fell in a restaurant and, because of her advanced ostoporosis despite being only in her early 60s, broke her right femur and left ankle in the same fall. She was taken to an ER in a town about 30 miles from me and was in the hospital for about a week. She had 2 surgeries in that week, then was in a rehabilitation hospital for about 6 weeks. When she was sent home, she was in a wheelchair, unable to walk, and unable to pay for home health care. My brother (who is a whole sordid story unto himself) were her caretakers. About two months after she got home, about 2 weeks after she had returned to work and seemed to be doing good, she fell again at home and broke her right ankle. No surgery this time, but it was a huge setback. She lost her job, fell into a depression, and despite being given a clean bill of health to get back into the world in July 2010, she chose not to. She has been out of her house MAYBE a dozen times since the first fall, and the majority of those trips have been to the doctor at my insistence. She hasn't worked this entire time and has allowed herself to become a recluse, complacent in staying home and wasting away despite how vibrant she was. It's been the hardest thing in my life to have been with her in the hospital, listening to her cry and wail in pain for days before they could operate on her leg, see her work so hard to be able to walk again, then not use the gift God had given her, opting instead to allow me and my brother to do everything for her ... grocery shopping, banking, get her medications, take out her trash, cook for her. Everything. I've allowed myself to sink into a depression and be dragged down slowly, little by little. I have tried everything I can think of to get her up and out and going in life again. I've been gentle and supportive, I've been pushing, I've used "tough love", I've tried to appeal to her faith in God, I've even been rude. I've offered to pay for counseling. I've offered to take her to the gym to swim. I've done everything I can think of, and none of it has helped. We'd gotten into this rut...a trap of saying the same things, doing the same things, but making no changes in our lives. We can barely talking without getting feelings hurt or arguing. I've allowed my emotional, mental and physical health to suffer because of all this. And so, today I woke up a new person. No more being down in the dumps. No more using my mother and brother and what they chose to do as an excuse. No more not taking care of myself. I know every day won't be smiles and fun and rosy and wonderful. I know it will be tough sometimes. I know I will still get down and blah. But every day, I will take a step forward toward who I used to be...toward the happier, healthier me. And I don't care how small the step is. Every tstep forward matters. Oh, and I did tell my mom this tonight. I explained to her that I was going to move forward and be happy, and she could either strap on her boots and join me, or she can be left in my dust. We'll see which she chooses. As for me, I choose happiness.

When a Christian curses

People who know me, have had any dealings with me, or even just know about me, know that I am Christian. Briefly, I had a salvation experience when I was 9 years old, and though I have had a rough road at times in my walk with the Lord, I have in the past 4 years, returned to where I should be. I have given my life to the Lord's work and I try every day to follow the path He has for me. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's difficult. Sometimes it's easy to know what He wants me to do, and sometimes it's hard to see. Sometimes life is easy for me, and sometimes it's not. When I say I am a Christian, I am not saying I am perfect. I am not saying I am better than anyone else. I am not saying I am not a sinner. I am not saying I don't make mistakes. In fact, if you talk to me about it, I'm very quick to admit I am hopelessly flawed, I make mistakes, I am far from perfect ... and I know all of this. I accept it. I admit it. I am only human. Being a Christian doesn't mean I am perfect. It means I am forgiven. Being a Christian doesn't mean I am better. It means I am bought with Christ's blood. It doesn't mean I am not a sinner. I am a sinner, but I have been sanctified. It doesn't mean I don't make mistakes. It means when I make them, I try to make up for them and learn from them. I've said all that for a reason. I want people to be aware of a couple of things. One: I am only human. Two: I am very aware of that fact. Being a Christian means that I have been called by God, bought and cleansed by Christ's blood, and I am now assured of a place in Heaven when I leave this earth. Does it mean I am instantly a saint on earth and never sin? No. But being a Christian means you desire to strive every day to not sin. And when you do, you ask for forgiveness with a contrite heart. Does it mean I am perfect and don't do things like get angry or lose my cool and say a curse word now and then? No. But it happens a LOT less now than it used to and it takes more to provoke me to anger than it ever did before, partially because I know the peace of God's salvation and partially because I turn to God every day and ask Him to use me to reflect His love and grace in the world. Does it mean I don't ever make off-color jokes? No. I do from time to time, but I do less often than I used to. The jokes I make aren't as off color as they used to be, and I have a lot less tolerance for that kind of thing than ever before. I realize that people think I am somehow different or less sinful than they are. I have actually had people, when I have told them about my past or things I have done, say "Oh I am just so glad to hear you've made mistakes" or "Wow. I didn't know you would ever do that kind of thing" or something similar. It's NOT because I am better or stronger or more disciplined. It is NOT because I am a saint or something like that. My behavior most of the time is because I pray every day for God to use me, guide me, and curb me when I am on the verge of getting out of hand. I have to turn to God on a day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute basis and ask for Him to intervene. I try to live my life to show the world a picture of the desire that is in my heart: to live for God. Salvation has a way of changing you that way. It doesn't instantly mean you're going to act better or that your life will be better. But it does change the desire of your heart. You feel a joy that you want to share with the world. You feel a peace that helps you realize no matter how hard things are, God is in control. You feel a passion to follow God's commands, not because you HAVE to, but because it is so little in exchange for what He has done for you. So if you see me lose my cool, say a curse word, make an off color joke or something similar, I apologize if it offends you. But please know that if I do one of these things or something similar, it is because I am just like you and everyone else in the world. The only difference may be that I am saved...and I desire to live my life in a way that makes the Lord happy. I don't always succeed, but I try.

A moment of grace

This will not likely see the light of day for a while, but I had to chronicle what I learned today, even if no one ever reads it. For the last couple of months, I have been living on a drastically reduced budget. About $1,600 a month less, in fact. Add to that I started paying my health insurance on my own, about $400 a month, and my way of life in terms of money has taken a huge blow. My bank account has been in the red about $400 on a constant basis. I get paid every 2 weeks, but as soon as I put in a paycheck, $400 gets whisked away to the bank just to bring me to zero. It doesn't leave much to live on, so as soon as bills are paid, things start bouncing...and every bounce is $28. It adds up fast. I've never, ever been good with money. I've always lived by the, "If it's in the account, spend it," philosophy. I'm not a good planner, and I tend to put off the important stuff in favor of the fun stuff: I'd much rather buy a couple new books on my kindle than pay the water bill, for example. Well, I've been trying to fix that flaw in myself, and I've been doing a decent job, but it hasn't been easy. breaking lifelong habits never is. So in being responsible and doing the right thing and trying to juggle my debts with what I actually make...well, it's been difficult. I've been on this vicious treadmill of being in debt constantly for a while, and it has been wearing on me. There are other things going on in my life, too, that are making it difficult emotionally, but the money problems were just the cheese on the cracker. I've been obsessed with my finances and how I can save and make the money stretch to cover all the bills and still be able to buy the neccessaries in life: food, my medication, etc. It's not an easy or fun place to be in at my age. I have two degrees, have held high positions with lots of notoreity and importance and the pay to match. The thing is, I LOVE the job I have now. I have a purpose and a path, not to mention I am greatly appreciated where I am. It's an amazing feeling after having worked a string of jobs where I excelled, but I was treated like less than a person. Changing jobs hasn't really been an option in my mind, though I have been looking for some part-time freelance work to help make ends meet. Well, yesterday was payday, and I was expecting the same about as always on my check. It varies a bit from check to check, but not much, so I usually don't have any surprises, unless I have missed a day for some reason. When I got in my car yesterday and opened my paycheck, I got quite a shock. A $300 shock in fact. My check was about THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS MORE than what I was expecting. I was in shock at first, and then I was in tears. I did not get a raise. I did not get paid any overtime. There was nothing out of the ordinary about this check, except perhaps our pay period was a little longer than normal. I know not every check will be like that, but right now, this paycheck, I have breathing room and hope. That light at the end of the tunnel is not a train barrelling down on me after all. I have been praying for help. I've been asking God to help me do what is right and to be a good steward of what He gives me, and to help ease things when it gets difficult. That has been my prayer for a while now, and I have been continuing to improve myself as I prayed it. I am a firm believer in "God helps those who help themselves." I don't believe in a welfare God. He has the power to do anything I ask and give me anything I want, but I also believe He favors (if not requires) when we do our part. It's a message I have been trying to tell my mom, yet she doesn't seem to "get it". I was so thrilled to be able to call her yesterday and tell her about my check. It was a joy to be able to show her, "See? God just wants us to take our steps, then He RUNS to meet us!" I believe in a God of miracles and amazing power. And I believe that as His child, I am an heir to that power. "He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20 I believe, also, though, that God requires us to step out in faith. There are instances through the entire Old and New Testaments of God requiring one of His children to actively do something in order to receive His blessing. Not because the act was necessary, but because the act was an outward, visible show of that person's faith in God. Noah, Moses, David, Peter and so many others had to commit an action, showing their faith in God. Now my prayer for myself is that I will continue to walk in the way I have started, not only trusting that God will fill my every need, but also doing my part and becoming the person He wants me to be.

I have decided...

I have decided....

I am tired of being so tired all the time. I know some of it is my own fault by not following a regular sleep schedule that includes enough sleep each night. I am going to work my way back into a good sleep schedule that includes enough hours of sleep a night to give my body and mind the rest it needs.

I am tired of hurting physically, so I am going to start taking better care of myself. For those who are not aware, I have fibromyalgia. It causes widespread, chronic pain; fatigue; and a load of other symptoms. When I don't care for myself physically, the pain and fatigue increase and intensify. The last few weeks I have been progressively hurting more and more. It's been taking a toll on me in many ways.

I am going to begin eating a more healthy diet, including increasing the amount of fruits and veggies i eat, decreasing the amounts aof fats and sugars i eat, and increasing the amount of water i drink while decreasing caffeine-laden drinks.

I am going to also get back to taking my vitamins and supplements the way I am supposed to. I can tell a difference when I don't take my multi-vitamin, my B12 and my iron the way I should.

Finally but most importantly, I am going to begin working every day to grow closer to the Lord. I've felt like I've been in a bit a wasteland spiritually lately, but one of my own making. I'm ready to stop wallowing in the nothingness and move back into my place at His feet.I'm also ready to take my relationship with Him to the next level through more devotion.

Bad blogger

So there I was so excited to blog EVERY day for the rest of the month, and I failed...but I shall get back on track!

Blogging fail

January has been a very uninspired month for me. It usually is. It's the big gray, cold let down after the holidays...too late for Christmas wrap and too early for Valentine's hearts and all things spring.

This January was no exception for me. My big plan was to start the month off hot with resolutions to lose weight, get healthy, strengthen my walk with the Lord, get this blog off to a roaring start ... and so far I have done NONE of them.

Early last week something happened to snap me out of that "poor, pitiful me" attitude I was in, though. Thankfully. I was pretty tired of feeling sick, down, depressed and tired all of the time.

This past week has probably been the best week I have had in a long time, and I want to keep that momentum going. I am giving myself the remainder of this month (only 24 days now) to work on them. Then, I have decided I will make my blog public (FINALLY) and as you read this I will be already well on my way to making my new resolutions into habits.

Here's hoping, anyway.

I have so many ideas of things I want to write about. I am excited to get going. When I was at the paper I loved the little columns I wrote. Usually, to be honest, I would finish one and think, "People are SO going to laugh at this!"

Those were the ones I got the most response to and feedback from.

So. Here is Day 1 of 25 days in a row of writing for 30 minutes each day. Go me!

Out on a limb

This morning on my way to work I saw something adorable: A fat, fluffy-tailed squirrel roaming through a very bare pecan tree searching for tidbits to eat.

Squirrels fascinate me and I enjoy watching them. This little guy was scurrying from limb to limb, checking the hulls of the tree for nuts that may have not yet fallen to the ground.

I watched carefully and he climbed up one branch then hopped over to another. It's amazing how these little creatures will take a leap like that without hesitation, never thinking that if they fell, it would be their end.

Then he did something I didn't expect at all: He scooted that fat little derriere of his out onto this teeny, tiny, skinny twig of a branch to search for a nut. I'm still shocked, remembering back, that the twig didn't snap under his weight and send him tumbling to the ground.

I was so enthralled by it, I had to just sit and watch until he moved off it. I had to be sure he made it off that twig and on his merry little way unharmed.

He did, of course. After searching the empty hulls at the end of the twig, he carefully turned around and made his way back onto a bigger, thicker, and much safer branch.

I could not help but liken myself and so many others to that squirrel. There he was, the twig beneath him swaying and trembling in the wind and from his weight, and yet he knew he wasn't going to fall. And I had my feet planted firmly on the ground, eyes turned skyward, worried for this little guy. Yes, I just knew the twig would snap any minute and he was going to fall.

Well, you already knew which of us was right.

I live so much of my life that way: Staying on the firm, comfortable ground I am familiar with, too scared and worried to allow myself to make the short trip out on that limb. It doesn't matter what the potential payoff would be, either. All too often I give up a really great unknown for a ho-hum, or even horrible, known.

My faith in myself and the world around me falters when I start that trip out on that limb. I see the prize at the end, so I place my feet on the limb and start out. But those first few steps are so scary and uncertain.

Too many times I have quickly given up before my adventure even began.

And, of course because I am a Christian, I question myself and my faith in God. After all, if I step out onto that shaky, thin twig where He guides me, surely He will catch me if it snaps and I fall. Won't He?

If it is truly He who has brought me to that point, will the twig even break?

Why do I fear and doubt? Where does my faith go at those times?

It would be impossible to list the innumerable times God has held me, guided me, and moved me not just from an unsafe place to one that was safe, but from a comfortable place to one much better than where I was. One I would have never ventured to on my own.

Sure, the going was often bumpy. We humans are creatures of habit and comfort, and we want to know the outcome before we begin. I do, anyway. And yet so many times in my life, when I have been unhappy and uncomfortable in my know, yet unwilling to step out onto a limb to escape it to what seems to be a better, brighter unknown, God pushed me.

No, not a hard push. Just a nudge in the right direction.

Or, now that I think of it, a hard push. One that seemed painful at the time, but that sent me through a door into a new place that was much better than where I was before.

And of course after I look around me and I think back to where I came from, and I think, "What was I so scared of? Why didn't I have faith sooner? Why didn't I just move on my own?"

Luckily God forgives us our reticence and continues to guide, nudge, push and prod us along our way, moving us from hazards seen and unseen, from bad things known to good things unknown. And He never misses a moment, a beat, a breath of our lives.

I keep thinking about that little squirrel and how much I want to be like him in my daily life, knowing that I don't have to worry about that next step. Because no matter how shaky and unstable it may seem, God's there to hold me up.

Who knew a squirrel could be a role model.