Out on a limb

This morning on my way to work I saw something adorable: A fat, fluffy-tailed squirrel roaming through a very bare pecan tree searching for tidbits to eat.

Squirrels fascinate me and I enjoy watching them. This little guy was scurrying from limb to limb, checking the hulls of the tree for nuts that may have not yet fallen to the ground.

I watched carefully and he climbed up one branch then hopped over to another. It's amazing how these little creatures will take a leap like that without hesitation, never thinking that if they fell, it would be their end.

Then he did something I didn't expect at all: He scooted that fat little derriere of his out onto this teeny, tiny, skinny twig of a branch to search for a nut. I'm still shocked, remembering back, that the twig didn't snap under his weight and send him tumbling to the ground.

I was so enthralled by it, I had to just sit and watch until he moved off it. I had to be sure he made it off that twig and on his merry little way unharmed.

He did, of course. After searching the empty hulls at the end of the twig, he carefully turned around and made his way back onto a bigger, thicker, and much safer branch.

I could not help but liken myself and so many others to that squirrel. There he was, the twig beneath him swaying and trembling in the wind and from his weight, and yet he knew he wasn't going to fall. And I had my feet planted firmly on the ground, eyes turned skyward, worried for this little guy. Yes, I just knew the twig would snap any minute and he was going to fall.

Well, you already knew which of us was right.

I live so much of my life that way: Staying on the firm, comfortable ground I am familiar with, too scared and worried to allow myself to make the short trip out on that limb. It doesn't matter what the potential payoff would be, either. All too often I give up a really great unknown for a ho-hum, or even horrible, known.

My faith in myself and the world around me falters when I start that trip out on that limb. I see the prize at the end, so I place my feet on the limb and start out. But those first few steps are so scary and uncertain.

Too many times I have quickly given up before my adventure even began.

And, of course because I am a Christian, I question myself and my faith in God. After all, if I step out onto that shaky, thin twig where He guides me, surely He will catch me if it snaps and I fall. Won't He?

If it is truly He who has brought me to that point, will the twig even break?

Why do I fear and doubt? Where does my faith go at those times?

It would be impossible to list the innumerable times God has held me, guided me, and moved me not just from an unsafe place to one that was safe, but from a comfortable place to one much better than where I was. One I would have never ventured to on my own.

Sure, the going was often bumpy. We humans are creatures of habit and comfort, and we want to know the outcome before we begin. I do, anyway. And yet so many times in my life, when I have been unhappy and uncomfortable in my know, yet unwilling to step out onto a limb to escape it to what seems to be a better, brighter unknown, God pushed me.

No, not a hard push. Just a nudge in the right direction.

Or, now that I think of it, a hard push. One that seemed painful at the time, but that sent me through a door into a new place that was much better than where I was before.

And of course after I look around me and I think back to where I came from, and I think, "What was I so scared of? Why didn't I have faith sooner? Why didn't I just move on my own?"

Luckily God forgives us our reticence and continues to guide, nudge, push and prod us along our way, moving us from hazards seen and unseen, from bad things known to good things unknown. And He never misses a moment, a beat, a breath of our lives.

I keep thinking about that little squirrel and how much I want to be like him in my daily life, knowing that I don't have to worry about that next step. Because no matter how shaky and unstable it may seem, God's there to hold me up.

Who knew a squirrel could be a role model.

Out with the old ...

I'm ending 2011 tonight very happy and content. This was not an easy year by any stretch of the imagination. My life changed a lot, I was tested and tried, and yet by the grace of God, I came out on top.

Those who know me know that we've been dealing with my mom's health for the last couple of years. It's really difficult and downright painful to see your parent go through a loss of health and independence, no matter the reason ... and especially when it happens before their time. She's always first and foremost on my mind these days because I worry so much about her (even though she tells me not to).

Those who know me also know that my former job gave me fits the last couple of years, but especially this last year. I LOVED my job and put the paper first in my life (which was a lot of my problem). I worked under a difficult boss for the majority of 2011, though, and that stress added to long hours took a toll on my health, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I lost said job in late October this year, after basically living and breathing it for the last two years. When I was hoping for advancement, I was told to leave. That wasn't easy at all.

I've had the worst bout with my fibromyalgia in the last couple of months than I have had probably since shortly after I was diagnosed. Mostly I was just having to deal with intense and non-ending pain day and night. It affected my sleep, my mobility and my productivity.

But...tonight I ended 2011 very blessed.

Mom's attitude about life and her health is better than it has been in a couple of years. We've both decided 2012 is going to be our year. She's going to start regaining her health, strength and mobility. I am going to get back into the healthy living routine I lived the first part of 2011. It's time she and I both were able to live the lives we want to live and were meant to live.

Like I said, the stressful job ended in October. For the first 30 minutes after I was told I was being laid off, I was in shock. Within 2 hours, though, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me. I had asked God time and time again to help me stay there until He was done with me there (because many days I wanted to walk out) and for Him to move me when the time came.

A mere two days after I was laid off, my pastor asked me if I would be interested in some copyrighting work for the church's new website. Three days later, the position was a permanent, part-time position doing graphics work for the church.

God is amazing and wonderful. I am not only so happy in my new position, but I am able to serve God with my talents.

The unending pain from my fibro has finally subsided and I am back to where I was before, more or less. I hate that I have to rely on medications to live, but the last couple of months made me realize they're only there to help me and there is no shame in that. If taking a couple of pills each day means I can live without the pain I was feeling just 3 days ago, I'm all for it.

This next year I have some big resolutions. They're certainly not unattainable. They're things I have wished for in my life, but just haven't done. It's time, though.

I have a new commitment to live my life for the Lord, and that includes even the little details that many take for granted, like keeping a neat house so that I can be hospitable to anyone at any time. It also includes me being at my best physically so that I can better serve Him.

I'm so excited to see what else God has in store for me. I yearn to better serve Him each day, and He has been so gracious to allow me to. I think 2012 will only strengthen that.