Bad blogger

So there I was so excited to blog EVERY day for the rest of the month, and I failed...but I shall get back on track!

Blogging fail

January has been a very uninspired month for me. It usually is. It's the big gray, cold let down after the holidays...too late for Christmas wrap and too early for Valentine's hearts and all things spring.

This January was no exception for me. My big plan was to start the month off hot with resolutions to lose weight, get healthy, strengthen my walk with the Lord, get this blog off to a roaring start ... and so far I have done NONE of them.

Early last week something happened to snap me out of that "poor, pitiful me" attitude I was in, though. Thankfully. I was pretty tired of feeling sick, down, depressed and tired all of the time.

This past week has probably been the best week I have had in a long time, and I want to keep that momentum going. I am giving myself the remainder of this month (only 24 days now) to work on them. Then, I have decided I will make my blog public (FINALLY) and as you read this I will be already well on my way to making my new resolutions into habits.

Here's hoping, anyway.

I have so many ideas of things I want to write about. I am excited to get going. When I was at the paper I loved the little columns I wrote. Usually, to be honest, I would finish one and think, "People are SO going to laugh at this!"

Those were the ones I got the most response to and feedback from.

So. Here is Day 1 of 25 days in a row of writing for 30 minutes each day. Go me!

Out on a limb

This morning on my way to work I saw something adorable: A fat, fluffy-tailed squirrel roaming through a very bare pecan tree searching for tidbits to eat.

Squirrels fascinate me and I enjoy watching them. This little guy was scurrying from limb to limb, checking the hulls of the tree for nuts that may have not yet fallen to the ground.

I watched carefully and he climbed up one branch then hopped over to another. It's amazing how these little creatures will take a leap like that without hesitation, never thinking that if they fell, it would be their end.

Then he did something I didn't expect at all: He scooted that fat little derriere of his out onto this teeny, tiny, skinny twig of a branch to search for a nut. I'm still shocked, remembering back, that the twig didn't snap under his weight and send him tumbling to the ground.

I was so enthralled by it, I had to just sit and watch until he moved off it. I had to be sure he made it off that twig and on his merry little way unharmed.

He did, of course. After searching the empty hulls at the end of the twig, he carefully turned around and made his way back onto a bigger, thicker, and much safer branch.

I could not help but liken myself and so many others to that squirrel. There he was, the twig beneath him swaying and trembling in the wind and from his weight, and yet he knew he wasn't going to fall. And I had my feet planted firmly on the ground, eyes turned skyward, worried for this little guy. Yes, I just knew the twig would snap any minute and he was going to fall.

Well, you already knew which of us was right.

I live so much of my life that way: Staying on the firm, comfortable ground I am familiar with, too scared and worried to allow myself to make the short trip out on that limb. It doesn't matter what the potential payoff would be, either. All too often I give up a really great unknown for a ho-hum, or even horrible, known.

My faith in myself and the world around me falters when I start that trip out on that limb. I see the prize at the end, so I place my feet on the limb and start out. But those first few steps are so scary and uncertain.

Too many times I have quickly given up before my adventure even began.

And, of course because I am a Christian, I question myself and my faith in God. After all, if I step out onto that shaky, thin twig where He guides me, surely He will catch me if it snaps and I fall. Won't He?

If it is truly He who has brought me to that point, will the twig even break?

Why do I fear and doubt? Where does my faith go at those times?

It would be impossible to list the innumerable times God has held me, guided me, and moved me not just from an unsafe place to one that was safe, but from a comfortable place to one much better than where I was. One I would have never ventured to on my own.

Sure, the going was often bumpy. We humans are creatures of habit and comfort, and we want to know the outcome before we begin. I do, anyway. And yet so many times in my life, when I have been unhappy and uncomfortable in my know, yet unwilling to step out onto a limb to escape it to what seems to be a better, brighter unknown, God pushed me.

No, not a hard push. Just a nudge in the right direction.

Or, now that I think of it, a hard push. One that seemed painful at the time, but that sent me through a door into a new place that was much better than where I was before.

And of course after I look around me and I think back to where I came from, and I think, "What was I so scared of? Why didn't I have faith sooner? Why didn't I just move on my own?"

Luckily God forgives us our reticence and continues to guide, nudge, push and prod us along our way, moving us from hazards seen and unseen, from bad things known to good things unknown. And He never misses a moment, a beat, a breath of our lives.

I keep thinking about that little squirrel and how much I want to be like him in my daily life, knowing that I don't have to worry about that next step. Because no matter how shaky and unstable it may seem, God's there to hold me up.

Who knew a squirrel could be a role model.

Out with the old ...

I'm ending 2011 tonight very happy and content. This was not an easy year by any stretch of the imagination. My life changed a lot, I was tested and tried, and yet by the grace of God, I came out on top.

Those who know me know that we've been dealing with my mom's health for the last couple of years. It's really difficult and downright painful to see your parent go through a loss of health and independence, no matter the reason ... and especially when it happens before their time. She's always first and foremost on my mind these days because I worry so much about her (even though she tells me not to).

Those who know me also know that my former job gave me fits the last couple of years, but especially this last year. I LOVED my job and put the paper first in my life (which was a lot of my problem). I worked under a difficult boss for the majority of 2011, though, and that stress added to long hours took a toll on my health, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I lost said job in late October this year, after basically living and breathing it for the last two years. When I was hoping for advancement, I was told to leave. That wasn't easy at all.

I've had the worst bout with my fibromyalgia in the last couple of months than I have had probably since shortly after I was diagnosed. Mostly I was just having to deal with intense and non-ending pain day and night. It affected my sleep, my mobility and my productivity.

But...tonight I ended 2011 very blessed.

Mom's attitude about life and her health is better than it has been in a couple of years. We've both decided 2012 is going to be our year. She's going to start regaining her health, strength and mobility. I am going to get back into the healthy living routine I lived the first part of 2011. It's time she and I both were able to live the lives we want to live and were meant to live.

Like I said, the stressful job ended in October. For the first 30 minutes after I was told I was being laid off, I was in shock. Within 2 hours, though, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me. I had asked God time and time again to help me stay there until He was done with me there (because many days I wanted to walk out) and for Him to move me when the time came.

A mere two days after I was laid off, my pastor asked me if I would be interested in some copyrighting work for the church's new website. Three days later, the position was a permanent, part-time position doing graphics work for the church.

God is amazing and wonderful. I am not only so happy in my new position, but I am able to serve God with my talents.

The unending pain from my fibro has finally subsided and I am back to where I was before, more or less. I hate that I have to rely on medications to live, but the last couple of months made me realize they're only there to help me and there is no shame in that. If taking a couple of pills each day means I can live without the pain I was feeling just 3 days ago, I'm all for it.

This next year I have some big resolutions. They're certainly not unattainable. They're things I have wished for in my life, but just haven't done. It's time, though.

I have a new commitment to live my life for the Lord, and that includes even the little details that many take for granted, like keeping a neat house so that I can be hospitable to anyone at any time. It also includes me being at my best physically so that I can better serve Him.

I'm so excited to see what else God has in store for me. I yearn to better serve Him each day, and He has been so gracious to allow me to. I think 2012 will only strengthen that.

Resolutions for 2012

Here they are. Wish me luck.

1. Spend time in the Word every day without fail or excuse.

2. Complete at least one in-depth Bible study series each month.

3. Read at least one "extra" book per month.

4. Get back on track eating the way I was the first 3 months of 2011.

5. Get back to my excercize level for that same period.

6. Spend at least 30 minutes each week day and an hour each weekend day doing housework.

7. Write at least half an hour every day.

8. Learn a new skill once a month, no matter how small it is.

9. Make a proactive effort to stay in better touch with friends and family.

10. Choose a different cause or concern outside of my normal life and pray for it every day each month.

Garbage in, garbage out

"For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he"
Proverbs 23:7

When I was a teenager, there was a Carman song that he prefaced his performance of by quoting the above verse and paraphrasing it as, "so basically, garbage in, garbage out." I didn't "get" what he meant by that back then. In fact, I didn't truly get it until a few years ago.

There have been times in my life when I have been downright careless about what I allowed in. Music, movies, TV: It didn't matter what I exposed myself to because I knew the TRUTH and that was all that mattered...so I thought.

I'm ashamed to admit that there have been times when I have actually sought out the garbage. There is so much negative in music and on TV, and I was one of the many who went right along with it all, enjoying it and not thinking it really made a difference in my life. I was saved, after all, and nothing would change that.

Well, the latter part of that is true: Nothing can take away my salvation. However what I took in made a very big difference in my life.

Christmastime 2007 I was living in Fort Worth and found a radio station that played only Christmas music. Since I LOVE Christmas music, I was thrilled and left my car's radio on only that station all season.

When January came and the Christmas music stopped, I left my dial on that station: A contemporary Christian station.

It took me a while to get used to the new music. A few of the artists and songs I knew, but not many. The music was good, though, and I enjoyed the messages brought by different preachers in the morning. I would listen to them on my way to work and the music on my way home.

It didn't take long before I started noticing a difference in the way I felt mentally and emotionally...and how I reacted to things I saw and heard. The music I had listened to was so...nasty to me now. The TV shows I once enjoyed and sought out soon became more and more difficult to watch.

My TV watching habits soon changed, too. I sought out positive things to watch and avoided the negative. It was hard to do because anyone who knows me knows I love a good murder mystery. But the blood and gore, even if only acted and staged, began to be too much for me.

Now, I'm not at all saying I'm perfect. And even though I have purposefully changed my intake of things via different forms of media, I still do not always do what I know I should such as spend more time in Bible study and prayer. I always yearn for more of those even if my habits do not reflect it.

What I am saying, though, is that I have seen firsthand the difference it makes when you consciously change what you allow into your head and heart. I never want to be perceived as "that snooty girl who claims she can't stand so-and-so". To be honest, it's often awkward to tell people I don't know who a contemporary musician is because I only listen to Christian music. Many people aren't sure what to say to that. I try to tell people it's a decision I made for me because the things of the world had started getting to me.

I found that I was less stressed and much more optimistic when I changed the tone of what I watched and listened to. I also found that, over time, it has become more and more difficult to tolerate the negative. Can I eliminate it from my life completely? No. I live in a sinful, fallen world. There are going to be "bad" stories in the news every day here. But I can choose how much and what kind of things I allow into my life.

It's made a huge difference to me. I feel closer to the Lord as a result. I wish the same for everyone.

When holidays mean heartache

Holidays are supposed to be so joyous and fun, and yet they can make even the most optimistic person antsy, anxious and even downright miserable. I think a lot of times, we carry so much baggage from holidays past with us, it's impossible to just relax and enjoy the here and now.

For some, it's a time to try to make the holidays live up to those from their past. For some, it's a lonely time, even if they're surrounded by people. And often, it's a time when we miss most those who have left us.

Two years ago was one of the most difficult Christmases I have had, and yet I was fortunate to receive a blessing in it, too.

Let me preface this story by explaining that Christmas has always meant family to me. Yes, it does commemorate the birth of our Savior, but I was raised in a small church whose pastor was anti-Christmas celebration for several reasons (he didn't believe Christ was born on Dec. 25, and the Bible does not tell us to celebrate Christmas, etc.) So, while I always knew it was intended to celebrate Christ's birth, it was more a time for fellowship with family than anything for me.

My Mom's parents would always come and stay with us for a while, and we spent a lot of time with them over the holidays.

Christmas Eve was time for my Dad's family, though. We always gathered to celebrate, and we would laugh and talk and eat and exchange more gifts than you can imagine. It was one of the things I look forward to every year, and until this year, I never missed one.

My Mamaw and Papaw especially loved Christmas Eve because, usually, all three of their kids and all of their kids' kids would be in one place at one time. And they both loved to give...presents, time, whatever...

We lost Mamaw in 1992, but we kept the Christmas Eve tradition going strong.

Two years ago, though, my Papaw got very sick shortly before Christmas Eve. His illness accelerated quickly, and by the time Dec. 23 rolled around, he was already under hospice care in his home (a small house built just for him in my aunt's back yard).

To get the full impact of what I am about to tell you, you had to know my Papaw. He was one of the most amazing men I have ever met. I'm sure my view of him is colored by the fact that I am his granddaughter. But everyone, related or not, agrees on a few things about him.

Papaw was one of the most gentle men you would ever want to meet. He laughed easily and was able to make people feel at ease. He had a way with animals that was downright amazing. Animals that would bite and fight others would snuggle up to him and love on him so gently. My ex-husband once called Papaw a force of nature. That about sums it up.

There were only two negatives I ever saw in his life: he was not saved and he was prejudiced, especially against blacks. He wasn't a bad man, mind you. I rarely, if ever, heard him cuss. I think I saw him and Mamaw argue one time in my whole life. He was just a good guy. But he was not saved and he was able to use the N-word at the drop of a hat with no qualms. (I know that that is due a lot to the way and time in which he was raised. But still...)

I don't know when, but at some point later in life, Papaw was saved. It is such a blessing when someone you love becomes a child of God. It is such a joyous event and is a relief. I was so happy when I heard Papaw was saved.

Now let's fast forward back to Christmas 2009. On Christmas Eve, most of our family gathered at my aunt's house, so even though Papaw was unconscious most of the day, we were able to each see him a final time and say our goodbyes. The day ended up with a sad, heavy tone, but it was such a blessing to know that we all had a chance to say goodbye.

Papaw left us Christmas morning. A few days later, we all gathered again for his funeral. I learned a lot about my Papaw that day. He was in the Army, for example. I never knew that about him.

His service was lovely...made especially so because one of his hospice nurses spoke at it. She spoke about the conversations she and Papaw had about the Lord and heaven. She was very eloquent and she was visibly moved while speaking. It was so amazing to see this young woman who knew him for such a short time be so moved by my Papaw. Like I said earlier, he was amazing. He had that affect on people. She finished her time speaking by singing "How Great is Our God" a capella....the most beautiful rendition of that song ever.

And, she happened to be black.

To most of us, that wouldn't mean a thing. But for a man who spent the majority of his life with prejudice in his heart to spend his last hours on earth having intimate conversations about the Lord with a black woman....well, it's profound.

Only Salvation can change a heart so greatly. And only God can bring people together like this.

Oh, and by the way, I miss you Papaw.