My New Year!

Ok, for those of you who already know me, you are probably aware that as I write this, on Oct. 3, 2012, that today is my real life birthday. No, I WON'T tell you how old I really am, but I will tell you that today is my new year's day....the beginning of a new phase of my life. I decided a couple of days ago that I was going to wake up a different person today. I have had some life changes I have wanted to make, and the last couple of years have not been easy for me. Today that all changes. Some of you who will read this will know this, but most of you won't. In January 2012, my mother fell in a restaurant and, because of her advanced ostoporosis despite being only in her early 60s, broke her right femur and left ankle in the same fall. She was taken to an ER in a town about 30 miles from me and was in the hospital for about a week. She had 2 surgeries in that week, then was in a rehabilitation hospital for about 6 weeks. When she was sent home, she was in a wheelchair, unable to walk, and unable to pay for home health care. My brother (who is a whole sordid story unto himself) were her caretakers. About two months after she got home, about 2 weeks after she had returned to work and seemed to be doing good, she fell again at home and broke her right ankle. No surgery this time, but it was a huge setback. She lost her job, fell into a depression, and despite being given a clean bill of health to get back into the world in July 2010, she chose not to. She has been out of her house MAYBE a dozen times since the first fall, and the majority of those trips have been to the doctor at my insistence. She hasn't worked this entire time and has allowed herself to become a recluse, complacent in staying home and wasting away despite how vibrant she was. It's been the hardest thing in my life to have been with her in the hospital, listening to her cry and wail in pain for days before they could operate on her leg, see her work so hard to be able to walk again, then not use the gift God had given her, opting instead to allow me and my brother to do everything for her ... grocery shopping, banking, get her medications, take out her trash, cook for her. Everything. I've allowed myself to sink into a depression and be dragged down slowly, little by little. I have tried everything I can think of to get her up and out and going in life again. I've been gentle and supportive, I've been pushing, I've used "tough love", I've tried to appeal to her faith in God, I've even been rude. I've offered to pay for counseling. I've offered to take her to the gym to swim. I've done everything I can think of, and none of it has helped. We'd gotten into this rut...a trap of saying the same things, doing the same things, but making no changes in our lives. We can barely talking without getting feelings hurt or arguing. I've allowed my emotional, mental and physical health to suffer because of all this. And so, today I woke up a new person. No more being down in the dumps. No more using my mother and brother and what they chose to do as an excuse. No more not taking care of myself. I know every day won't be smiles and fun and rosy and wonderful. I know it will be tough sometimes. I know I will still get down and blah. But every day, I will take a step forward toward who I used to be...toward the happier, healthier me. And I don't care how small the step is. Every tstep forward matters. Oh, and I did tell my mom this tonight. I explained to her that I was going to move forward and be happy, and she could either strap on her boots and join me, or she can be left in my dust. We'll see which she chooses. As for me, I choose happiness.

When a Christian curses

People who know me, have had any dealings with me, or even just know about me, know that I am Christian. Briefly, I had a salvation experience when I was 9 years old, and though I have had a rough road at times in my walk with the Lord, I have in the past 4 years, returned to where I should be. I have given my life to the Lord's work and I try every day to follow the path He has for me. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's difficult. Sometimes it's easy to know what He wants me to do, and sometimes it's hard to see. Sometimes life is easy for me, and sometimes it's not. When I say I am a Christian, I am not saying I am perfect. I am not saying I am better than anyone else. I am not saying I am not a sinner. I am not saying I don't make mistakes. In fact, if you talk to me about it, I'm very quick to admit I am hopelessly flawed, I make mistakes, I am far from perfect ... and I know all of this. I accept it. I admit it. I am only human. Being a Christian doesn't mean I am perfect. It means I am forgiven. Being a Christian doesn't mean I am better. It means I am bought with Christ's blood. It doesn't mean I am not a sinner. I am a sinner, but I have been sanctified. It doesn't mean I don't make mistakes. It means when I make them, I try to make up for them and learn from them. I've said all that for a reason. I want people to be aware of a couple of things. One: I am only human. Two: I am very aware of that fact. Being a Christian means that I have been called by God, bought and cleansed by Christ's blood, and I am now assured of a place in Heaven when I leave this earth. Does it mean I am instantly a saint on earth and never sin? No. But being a Christian means you desire to strive every day to not sin. And when you do, you ask for forgiveness with a contrite heart. Does it mean I am perfect and don't do things like get angry or lose my cool and say a curse word now and then? No. But it happens a LOT less now than it used to and it takes more to provoke me to anger than it ever did before, partially because I know the peace of God's salvation and partially because I turn to God every day and ask Him to use me to reflect His love and grace in the world. Does it mean I don't ever make off-color jokes? No. I do from time to time, but I do less often than I used to. The jokes I make aren't as off color as they used to be, and I have a lot less tolerance for that kind of thing than ever before. I realize that people think I am somehow different or less sinful than they are. I have actually had people, when I have told them about my past or things I have done, say "Oh I am just so glad to hear you've made mistakes" or "Wow. I didn't know you would ever do that kind of thing" or something similar. It's NOT because I am better or stronger or more disciplined. It is NOT because I am a saint or something like that. My behavior most of the time is because I pray every day for God to use me, guide me, and curb me when I am on the verge of getting out of hand. I have to turn to God on a day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute basis and ask for Him to intervene. I try to live my life to show the world a picture of the desire that is in my heart: to live for God. Salvation has a way of changing you that way. It doesn't instantly mean you're going to act better or that your life will be better. But it does change the desire of your heart. You feel a joy that you want to share with the world. You feel a peace that helps you realize no matter how hard things are, God is in control. You feel a passion to follow God's commands, not because you HAVE to, but because it is so little in exchange for what He has done for you. So if you see me lose my cool, say a curse word, make an off color joke or something similar, I apologize if it offends you. But please know that if I do one of these things or something similar, it is because I am just like you and everyone else in the world. The only difference may be that I am saved...and I desire to live my life in a way that makes the Lord happy. I don't always succeed, but I try.

A moment of grace

This will not likely see the light of day for a while, but I had to chronicle what I learned today, even if no one ever reads it. For the last couple of months, I have been living on a drastically reduced budget. About $1,600 a month less, in fact. Add to that I started paying my health insurance on my own, about $400 a month, and my way of life in terms of money has taken a huge blow. My bank account has been in the red about $400 on a constant basis. I get paid every 2 weeks, but as soon as I put in a paycheck, $400 gets whisked away to the bank just to bring me to zero. It doesn't leave much to live on, so as soon as bills are paid, things start bouncing...and every bounce is $28. It adds up fast. I've never, ever been good with money. I've always lived by the, "If it's in the account, spend it," philosophy. I'm not a good planner, and I tend to put off the important stuff in favor of the fun stuff: I'd much rather buy a couple new books on my kindle than pay the water bill, for example. Well, I've been trying to fix that flaw in myself, and I've been doing a decent job, but it hasn't been easy. breaking lifelong habits never is. So in being responsible and doing the right thing and trying to juggle my debts with what I actually make...well, it's been difficult. I've been on this vicious treadmill of being in debt constantly for a while, and it has been wearing on me. There are other things going on in my life, too, that are making it difficult emotionally, but the money problems were just the cheese on the cracker. I've been obsessed with my finances and how I can save and make the money stretch to cover all the bills and still be able to buy the neccessaries in life: food, my medication, etc. It's not an easy or fun place to be in at my age. I have two degrees, have held high positions with lots of notoreity and importance and the pay to match. The thing is, I LOVE the job I have now. I have a purpose and a path, not to mention I am greatly appreciated where I am. It's an amazing feeling after having worked a string of jobs where I excelled, but I was treated like less than a person. Changing jobs hasn't really been an option in my mind, though I have been looking for some part-time freelance work to help make ends meet. Well, yesterday was payday, and I was expecting the same about as always on my check. It varies a bit from check to check, but not much, so I usually don't have any surprises, unless I have missed a day for some reason. When I got in my car yesterday and opened my paycheck, I got quite a shock. A $300 shock in fact. My check was about THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS MORE than what I was expecting. I was in shock at first, and then I was in tears. I did not get a raise. I did not get paid any overtime. There was nothing out of the ordinary about this check, except perhaps our pay period was a little longer than normal. I know not every check will be like that, but right now, this paycheck, I have breathing room and hope. That light at the end of the tunnel is not a train barrelling down on me after all. I have been praying for help. I've been asking God to help me do what is right and to be a good steward of what He gives me, and to help ease things when it gets difficult. That has been my prayer for a while now, and I have been continuing to improve myself as I prayed it. I am a firm believer in "God helps those who help themselves." I don't believe in a welfare God. He has the power to do anything I ask and give me anything I want, but I also believe He favors (if not requires) when we do our part. It's a message I have been trying to tell my mom, yet she doesn't seem to "get it". I was so thrilled to be able to call her yesterday and tell her about my check. It was a joy to be able to show her, "See? God just wants us to take our steps, then He RUNS to meet us!" I believe in a God of miracles and amazing power. And I believe that as His child, I am an heir to that power. "He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20 I believe, also, though, that God requires us to step out in faith. There are instances through the entire Old and New Testaments of God requiring one of His children to actively do something in order to receive His blessing. Not because the act was necessary, but because the act was an outward, visible show of that person's faith in God. Noah, Moses, David, Peter and so many others had to commit an action, showing their faith in God. Now my prayer for myself is that I will continue to walk in the way I have started, not only trusting that God will fill my every need, but also doing my part and becoming the person He wants me to be.