My New Year!

Ok, for those of you who already know me, you are probably aware that as I write this, on Oct. 3, 2012, that today is my real life birthday. No, I WON'T tell you how old I really am, but I will tell you that today is my new year's day....the beginning of a new phase of my life. I decided a couple of days ago that I was going to wake up a different person today. I have had some life changes I have wanted to make, and the last couple of years have not been easy for me. Today that all changes. Some of you who will read this will know this, but most of you won't. In January 2012, my mother fell in a restaurant and, because of her advanced ostoporosis despite being only in her early 60s, broke her right femur and left ankle in the same fall. She was taken to an ER in a town about 30 miles from me and was in the hospital for about a week. She had 2 surgeries in that week, then was in a rehabilitation hospital for about 6 weeks. When she was sent home, she was in a wheelchair, unable to walk, and unable to pay for home health care. My brother (who is a whole sordid story unto himself) were her caretakers. About two months after she got home, about 2 weeks after she had returned to work and seemed to be doing good, she fell again at home and broke her right ankle. No surgery this time, but it was a huge setback. She lost her job, fell into a depression, and despite being given a clean bill of health to get back into the world in July 2010, she chose not to. She has been out of her house MAYBE a dozen times since the first fall, and the majority of those trips have been to the doctor at my insistence. She hasn't worked this entire time and has allowed herself to become a recluse, complacent in staying home and wasting away despite how vibrant she was. It's been the hardest thing in my life to have been with her in the hospital, listening to her cry and wail in pain for days before they could operate on her leg, see her work so hard to be able to walk again, then not use the gift God had given her, opting instead to allow me and my brother to do everything for her ... grocery shopping, banking, get her medications, take out her trash, cook for her. Everything. I've allowed myself to sink into a depression and be dragged down slowly, little by little. I have tried everything I can think of to get her up and out and going in life again. I've been gentle and supportive, I've been pushing, I've used "tough love", I've tried to appeal to her faith in God, I've even been rude. I've offered to pay for counseling. I've offered to take her to the gym to swim. I've done everything I can think of, and none of it has helped. We'd gotten into this rut...a trap of saying the same things, doing the same things, but making no changes in our lives. We can barely talking without getting feelings hurt or arguing. I've allowed my emotional, mental and physical health to suffer because of all this. And so, today I woke up a new person. No more being down in the dumps. No more using my mother and brother and what they chose to do as an excuse. No more not taking care of myself. I know every day won't be smiles and fun and rosy and wonderful. I know it will be tough sometimes. I know I will still get down and blah. But every day, I will take a step forward toward who I used to be...toward the happier, healthier me. And I don't care how small the step is. Every tstep forward matters. Oh, and I did tell my mom this tonight. I explained to her that I was going to move forward and be happy, and she could either strap on her boots and join me, or she can be left in my dust. We'll see which she chooses. As for me, I choose happiness.