A moment of grace

This will not likely see the light of day for a while, but I had to chronicle what I learned today, even if no one ever reads it. For the last couple of months, I have been living on a drastically reduced budget. About $1,600 a month less, in fact. Add to that I started paying my health insurance on my own, about $400 a month, and my way of life in terms of money has taken a huge blow. My bank account has been in the red about $400 on a constant basis. I get paid every 2 weeks, but as soon as I put in a paycheck, $400 gets whisked away to the bank just to bring me to zero. It doesn't leave much to live on, so as soon as bills are paid, things start bouncing...and every bounce is $28. It adds up fast. I've never, ever been good with money. I've always lived by the, "If it's in the account, spend it," philosophy. I'm not a good planner, and I tend to put off the important stuff in favor of the fun stuff: I'd much rather buy a couple new books on my kindle than pay the water bill, for example. Well, I've been trying to fix that flaw in myself, and I've been doing a decent job, but it hasn't been easy. breaking lifelong habits never is. So in being responsible and doing the right thing and trying to juggle my debts with what I actually make...well, it's been difficult. I've been on this vicious treadmill of being in debt constantly for a while, and it has been wearing on me. There are other things going on in my life, too, that are making it difficult emotionally, but the money problems were just the cheese on the cracker. I've been obsessed with my finances and how I can save and make the money stretch to cover all the bills and still be able to buy the neccessaries in life: food, my medication, etc. It's not an easy or fun place to be in at my age. I have two degrees, have held high positions with lots of notoreity and importance and the pay to match. The thing is, I LOVE the job I have now. I have a purpose and a path, not to mention I am greatly appreciated where I am. It's an amazing feeling after having worked a string of jobs where I excelled, but I was treated like less than a person. Changing jobs hasn't really been an option in my mind, though I have been looking for some part-time freelance work to help make ends meet. Well, yesterday was payday, and I was expecting the same about as always on my check. It varies a bit from check to check, but not much, so I usually don't have any surprises, unless I have missed a day for some reason. When I got in my car yesterday and opened my paycheck, I got quite a shock. A $300 shock in fact. My check was about THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS MORE than what I was expecting. I was in shock at first, and then I was in tears. I did not get a raise. I did not get paid any overtime. There was nothing out of the ordinary about this check, except perhaps our pay period was a little longer than normal. I know not every check will be like that, but right now, this paycheck, I have breathing room and hope. That light at the end of the tunnel is not a train barrelling down on me after all. I have been praying for help. I've been asking God to help me do what is right and to be a good steward of what He gives me, and to help ease things when it gets difficult. That has been my prayer for a while now, and I have been continuing to improve myself as I prayed it. I am a firm believer in "God helps those who help themselves." I don't believe in a welfare God. He has the power to do anything I ask and give me anything I want, but I also believe He favors (if not requires) when we do our part. It's a message I have been trying to tell my mom, yet she doesn't seem to "get it". I was so thrilled to be able to call her yesterday and tell her about my check. It was a joy to be able to show her, "See? God just wants us to take our steps, then He RUNS to meet us!" I believe in a God of miracles and amazing power. And I believe that as His child, I am an heir to that power. "He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20 I believe, also, though, that God requires us to step out in faith. There are instances through the entire Old and New Testaments of God requiring one of His children to actively do something in order to receive His blessing. Not because the act was necessary, but because the act was an outward, visible show of that person's faith in God. Noah, Moses, David, Peter and so many others had to commit an action, showing their faith in God. Now my prayer for myself is that I will continue to walk in the way I have started, not only trusting that God will fill my every need, but also doing my part and becoming the person He wants me to be.